tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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