I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
