RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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