Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I wish there were birth control emojis
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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