Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
