my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
