p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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