I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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