i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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