The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
