In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
