mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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