Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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