so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
