Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
