I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
