im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
