i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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