Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now