I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
