...so i touched it.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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