Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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