dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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