At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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