He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
