i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
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If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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