this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
