im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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