Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
