my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
