his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
