Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
