I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
