she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
