elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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