I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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