I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
