32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
