i just wanna soil my oats bro
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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