i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
