I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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