Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
