the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
