Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
