That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
