I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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