My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
