I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
