She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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