dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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