I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
