i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
